Lord of the Deathly Swallows and the Prisoner of of Azkhabaggins


Barry Trotter slowly extricated himself from out of the deep shag rug in front of the fire. He adjusted his glasses and wiped them clean. A couple of metres away, by the light of the fire, Barry could make out the form of Professor Bumsosore, it was made more difficult as the professor’s robes were pulled up over his head, but Barry could identify him easily enough by his fully exposed wand.

Ever since Barry’s scar had started to itch, Professor Bumsosore had insisted that Barry attend private, late night tuition in the professor’s own chambers. Barry’s scar was not ordinary, for that matter Barry was not an ordinary boy.

When Barry was a baby an evil wizard by the name of BaronVon Nastybastard hunted down Barry’s parents and killed them. When Baron Von Nastybastard tried to kill Barry his curse bounced off him and hit Von Nastybastard flush in the crotch, leaving Barry with a distinctive scar on his forehead, and Baron Von Nastybastard with an ineffective set of testicles. Most people ignored Barry’s scar out of courtesy, but it was plain for all to see, the rendering of a child’s simple stylized drawing of a cock, and a pair of balls.

‘Oh dear me! Is that the time? That took longer than I expected. Run along now Barry, back to the tower.’ Said the Professor straightening himself out. Barry always found himself to be rather poorly coordinated after these sessions, with his arms and legs feeling heavy. His head felt cloudy, the last thing he could remember was the professor holding the hem of his wizard’s robes up to Barry’s mouth and telling him to breathe deeply, and secure his mind against Von Nastybastards evil penetrations.

With his arms and legs feeling leaden, Barry found it an arduous to climb up the stairs to the Frygindor common room, but he was looking forward to seeing his two best friends Dom Beasley and Cordelia Puckle.

Harry and Dom had been friends from their very first day at school and Dom’s lack of self esteem helped to add to Barry’s already inflated opinion of himself. Dom had low self esteem for a reason, because he was a mindlessly uncoordinated dick, and there was nothing Barry liked doing more than to watch Dom balls up performing mundane, everyday chores.

‘Hello Barry! How was the professor this evening?’ Asked Cordelia as she looked over the top of the book she was reading. Whenever Cordelia spoke to Barry he would start to feel a little funny, and the other night he had dreamed of her sat astride his Nimbus 2000, riding it recklessly around the Quidditch pitch.

‘Hi Cordelia, you haven’t seen Dom anywhere have you?’ Asked Barry.

‘He’s up in your room, studying, or so he says. He does seem to be studying so much recently, but his grades never get any better. Strange.’

‘Well you know what they say, you can’t polish a turd. I better go up and see him. Goodnight Cordelia.’

Cordelia did not respond, her attention being engrossed in the book she was reading for potions homework. Barry climbed the stairs up to the room he shared with Dom and two other Frygindor boys, an Irish boy Paddy O’Furniture and Nevile Stretchedanus. As Barry approached the door to their room, he was surprised by how quiet it was. He opened the door and Dom quickly pulled up the bed sheets sending the latest issue of ‘Witches, Bitches and Wizard’s Wives’ catapulting across the room. Spread across the front cover, Barry recognized the provocatively posed figure of Fanny Fellatio, a witch that had been involved in a scandal at Pigshingles just last. Papers reported that Fanny had performed lewd acts with a slaughter of leprechauns. It had brought a great deal of shame to the school, fortunately Professor Bumsosore had arrived at the scene  first, and prevented the leprechauns from initiating some tag team action. Fanny and the Leprechauns (which coincidentally went on to become a hit porn movie) were immediately expelled.

‘Working hard again Dom?’ Asked Barry sarcastically.

‘What do you think it is she sees in leprechauns?’ Wondered Dom. Barry looked at the hapless Dom. ‘Just get over her will you! You’ve missed your chance, I mean she was hardly being subtle when she when she asked you if she could polish your wand. And to think you actually passed her your wand and a duster.’

Dom jumped out of from beneath the sheets still displaying evidence of being partly aroused. He walked round the bed and picked up ‘Witches and Bitches’, and showed Barry a tasteful picture, in which Miss Fellatio was trying her hardest to make a vegetable disappear without the use of magic.

‘I don’t know what you still see in her Dom. You have nothing in common, and what would your mum say?’

‘But I know where to hide the cucumber now, it would be different, I could be the wizard she wants me to be.’

It was painful to see such a dullard hurting himself owing to his inability to grasp reality. Barry was about to say something when the picture of Fanny Fellatio caught his eye and his scar started to throb. Barry winced, but not through pain.

‘Barry what’s happening?’

‘I don’t know Dom, it’s my scar it feels funny.’

Dom looked at Barry with his permanent vapid  expression, meanwhile the scar continued to throb and throb,,,,,,,,,,,,,,