It has been 791 days, or 2 years and 2 months, or 113 weeks, since I last had a drink.
790 days ago I couldn’t wake up after having my last drink. 112 weeks 6 days ago I lay unconscious on a hospital bed, physically and mentally broken beyond recognition.
I promised my friends and loved ones I would never drink again. After causing so many people so much worry, I promised them I would never drink again.
This evening, I almost had a drink.
I was with good people, who were having a good time, it wouldn’t cause any harm. All dressed up and letting their hair down for Halloween. Drinking, talking and enjoying one another’s company. I wanted to participate. I had goose bumps and a cold, electric shiver ran through my every nerve and sinew. Like an itch that needs to be scratched, an irresistible temptation to a wretched soul.
This evening, I almost had a drink.
I could just have a drink. This week after all was very stressful at work and everyone is here having fun. It’s Halloween, it’s only once a year, I could just have a drink tonight.
I looked at my twisted body and realized it was the product of an even more twisted mind. I said to myself I can’t ever drink again.
But it would just be this once, and you haven’t drunk for, what is it, 791 days? Once can’t hurt. I really want this drink.
Laying on a hospital bed, unable to move as familiar faces look down upon me. All I can do is smile. Light hurts my head, breathing hurts my body. Kind words of encouragement inspire me to hope.
For many people Halloween is an opportunity to wear fancy dress, trick or treat and have some autumnal fun. While for others it is presents an opportunity to shoot someone wearing a costume, a sort of wet dream for the perverse, fetishists gun club. The first two stories provide us with further endorsements of the second amendment, granting every American the right to defend themselves against kids in weird clothes and foreigners just too weird to live, because In America it’s Halloween every night
1.
When you see something like this it’s always wisest to shoot first and ask questions later.
New Sewickley Township police say the girl was over a hillside and wearing a black costume and a black hat with a white tassel. Chief Ronald Leindecker told the Beaver County Times that a male relative mistook her for a skunk and fired a shotgun, hitting her in the shoulder, arm, back and neck Saturday night.
Leindecker told the newspaper that the girl was alert and talking when she was flown to Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, about 30 miles away. Her condition was unavailable.
Leindecker says the man hadn’t been drinking and he doesn’t know whether charges will be filed. New Sewickley police said Sunday that decision will be made in a few days.
Getting shot is as American as apple pie. In the next story a Japanese exchange student was shot dead on the basis he had a scary walk. Once again we see the value of the second amendment as it allows U.S citizens to protect themselves from foreigners and scary walks, both completely unacceptable in the Land of the Free.
2.
Defense Depicts Japanese Boy as ‘Scary’
New York Times
Published: May 21, 1993
The fatal shooting of Yoshihiro Hattori, 16, has until now been largely seen as a result of a tragic mismatch of cultural styles: a young Japanese exchange student unused to weapons, trustingly approaching a suburban American householder for whom guns are second nature.
But that scenario, one that has become a Japanese nightmare of America, was turned on its head by a defense lawyer today in a packed Louisiana courtroom. On the night of Oct. 17, he said, Yoshihiro Hattori was acting in a menacing, “aggressive” fashion, like a stranger invading someone’s home turf. And the home was defended by a .44-magnum with a laser scope.
This was the account of events offered by the lawyer for Rodney Peairs in opening statements in the trial of the 31-year-old assistant meat market manager on a charge of manslaughter. Father Appeared Angry
Mr. Hattori’s father sat calmly through the opening remarks by the lawyer, Lewis Unglesby, and the initial testimony that followed. But the father, Masaichi Hattori, an engineer, appeared angered by the lawyer’s portrayal.
“It sounded as though Yoshi was an unusual person, which is not true,” Mr. Hattori said through an interpreter during a break in the trial. “The defense attorney emphasized only points advantageous to him.”
The shooting of Mr. Hattori, who was looking for a Halloween party in the Baton Rouge suburbs when he mistakenly knocked on Mr. Peairs’s door the night of Oct. 17, shocked the people of Japan, and the courtroom has been packed with Japanese reporters.
Today they listened as a new element added to the story, that the young man’s behavior, in the view of Mr. Unglesby, could reasonably be seen as menacing.
“This is not an American or Oriental or any other known being casually walking up to the front door and saying, ‘Hello, we’re looking for the party,’ ” Mr. Unglesby said in his opening statement. “That’s not what happened.”
It was Yoshi Hattori’s walk that made him, that dark night, frightening in the lawyer’s telling. “Yoshi had an extremely unusual way of moving,” Mr. Unglesby told the jury. “It’s been described as aggressive. It’s been described as kinetic. It’s been described as antsy.
“It’s been described as scary,” Mr. Unglesby concluded. “He would come right up to you, as fast as he could.”
Mr. Peairs, by contrast, was nothing but a regular guy, “one of your neighbors,” Mr. Unglesby began by telling the jurors. He said he was a good mechanic, a steady employee of the Winn-Dixie supermarket, a man who liked sugar in his grits. ‘Cried and Cried’
“No killer,” he “cried and cried” when he discovered he had shot Yoshi Hattori, Mr. Unglesby said.
If the lawyer convinces the jury that Yoshi Hattori’s walk was indeed “scary,” his killing might be justifiable homicide under Louisiana’s 1976 “shoot-the-burglar” law. That law lets a person kill an intruder if he “reasonably believes” the intruder is trying to rob the house and might use violence against the occupants.
There is no dispute that Mr. Hattori was shot at close range, 5 eet away. But in the picture drawn by the East Baton Rouge Parish district attorney, Doug Moreau, it was an innocent movement, born of Yoshi Hattori’s apparent conviction that he had found the right house for the Halloween party. There were Halloween decorations on the outside of the house, a paper skeleton, a plastic ghost.
The prosecutor’s flat, unemotional version of the state’s case amounted to a schematic outline of the events of that night. There was no menace at all in the actions of either Yoshi Hattori or his companion that night, 16-year-old Webb Haymaker, the son of the Japanese student’s host family, he said. ‘Here for the Party’
Yoshi Hattori was dressed as the character played by John Travolta in “Saturday Night Fever,” in a white tuxedo costume and much jewelry. Mr. Haymaker was not in costume.
The two boys approached the front door, and rang the doorbell. Mr. Peairs’ wife, Bonnie, answered, with one of the couple’s three children. “We’re here for the party,” the prosecutor quoted Mr. Haymaker as saying. Mrs. Peairs slammed the door.
She “screamed” for her husband to get his gun, Mr. Unglesby said. The boys had meanwhile walked to the sidewalk, 10 yards away. They heard the door at the end of the adjacent carport open. Mr. Peairs, in the prosecutor’s telling, was not inside his house, but just outside the doorway of the carport. Yoshi Hattori began walking toward him, the district attorney said.
Mr. Haymaker heard Rodney Peairs shout “freeze.” He saw that Mr. Peairs was holding a large gun. But the victim apparently did not see the gun, and he did not understand the word “freeze.” ‘Something Bad Wrong’
He was acting in a way no American would ever act, the defendant’s lawyer said.
Mr. Peairs knew “there’s something bad wrong,” Mr. Unglesby told the jury today. ” ‘This person is not afraid of my gun. He’s not respectful of my property. He has no fear whatever.’ That’s what Rodney Peairs knew.”
Mr. Peairs shot Yoshi Hattori dead through the chest.
“It’s his conduct that you need to consider when looking at the evidence,” Mr. Moreau said. “There is no personal axe to grind.” That conduct, the prosecutor said, was “criminally negligent,” a key element of the manslaughter charge.
Photo: Masaichi Hattori leaving court yesterday in Baton Rouge, La., where he attended the trial of the man who killed his son. (The New York Times)
“It sounded as though Yoshi was an unusual person, which is not true,” Mr. Hattori said through an interpreter during a break in the trial. “The defense attorney emphasized only points advantageous to him.”
The shooting of Mr. Hattori, who was looking for a Halloween party in the Baton Rouge suburbs when he mistakenly knocked on Mr. Peairs’s door the night of Oct. 17, shocked the people of Japan, and the courtroom has been packed with Japanese reporters.
Today they listened as a new element added to the story, that the young man’s behavior, in the view of Mr. Unglesby, could reasonably be seen as menacing.
“This is not an American or Oriental or any other known being casually walking up to the front door and saying, ‘Hello, we’re looking for the party,’ ” Mr. Unglesby said in his opening statement. “That’s not what happened.”
It was Yoshi Hattori’s walk that made him, that dark night, frightening in the lawyer’s telling. “Yoshi had an extremely unusual way of moving,” Mr. Unglesby told the jury. “It’s been described as aggressive. It’s been described as kinetic. It’s been described as antsy.
“It’s been described as scary,” Mr. Unglesby concluded. “He would come right up to you, as fast as he could.”
Mr. Peairs, by contrast, was nothing but a regular guy, “one of your neighbors,” Mr. Unglesby began by telling the jurors. He said he was a good mechanic, a steady employee of the Winn-Dixie supermarket, a man who liked sugar in his grits. ‘Cried and Cried’
“No killer,” he “cried and cried” when he discovered he had shot Yoshi Hattori, Mr. Unglesby said.
If the lawyer convinces the jury that Yoshi Hattori’s walk was indeed “scary,” his killing might be justifiable homicide under Louisiana’s 1976 “shoot-the-burglar” law. That law lets a person kill an intruder if he “reasonably believes” the intruder is trying to rob the house and might use violence against the occupants.
There is no dispute that Mr. Hattori was shot at close range, 5 eet away. But in the picture drawn by the East Baton Rouge Parish district attorney, Doug Moreau, it was an innocent movement, born of Yoshi Hattori’s apparent conviction that he had found the right house for the Halloween party. There were Halloween decorations on the outside of the house, a paper skeleton, a plastic ghost.
The prosecutor’s flat, unemotional version of the state’s case amounted to a schematic outline of the events of that night. There was no menace at all in the actions of either Yoshi Hattori or his companion that night, 16-year-old Webb Haymaker, the son of the Japanese student’s host family, he said. ‘Here for the Party’
Yoshi Hattori was dressed as the character played by John Travolta in “Saturday Night Fever,” in a white tuxedo costume and much jewelry. Mr. Haymaker was not in costume.
The two boys approached the front door, and rang the doorbell. Mr. Peairs’ wife, Bonnie, answered, with one of the couple’s three children. “We’re here for the party,” the prosecutor quoted Mr. Haymaker as saying. Mrs. Peairs slammed the door.
She “screamed” for her husband to get his gun, Mr. Unglesby said. The boys had meanwhile walked to the sidewalk, 10 yards away. They heard the door at the end of the adjacent carport open. Mr. Peairs, in the prosecutor’s telling, was not inside his house, but just outside the doorway of the carport. Yoshi Hattori began walking toward him, the district attorney said.
Mr. Haymaker heard Rodney Peairs shout “freeze.” He saw that Mr. Peairs was holding a large gun. But the victim apparently did not see the gun, and he did not understand the word “freeze.” ‘Something Bad Wrong’
He was acting in a way no American would ever act, the defendant’s lawyer said.
Mr. Peairs knew “there’s something bad wrong,” Mr. Unglesby told the jury today. ” ‘This person is not afraid of my gun. He’s not respectful of my property. He has no fear whatever.’ That’s what Rodney Peairs knew.”
Mr. Peairs shot Yoshi Hattori dead through the chest.
“It’s his conduct that you need to consider when looking at the evidence,” Mr. Moreau said. “There is no personal axe to grind.” That conduct, the prosecutor said, was “criminally negligent,” a key element of the manslaughter charge.
Photo: Masaichi Hattori leaving court yesterday in Baton Rouge, La., where he attended the trial of the man who killed his son. (The New York Times)
From the first two stories it would be easy to jump to the conclusion that Halloween provides the America with nothing more than a set of novel circumstances under which to shoot one another. That would be tarring everyone with the same brush whilst ignoring all the parties where someone doesn’t get shot . One such party took place in Frederica, Delaware.
3.
Corpse mistaken for Halloween decoration
Woman’s body hangs from tree after apparent suicide
updated 10/27/2005 3:39:04 PM ET
FREDERICA, Del. — The apparent suicide of a woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said.
The 42-year-old woman used rope to hang herself across the street from some homes on a moderately busy road late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said.
Still at least they were not shot.
The body, suspended about 15 feet above the ground, could be easily seen from passing vehicles.
State police spokesman Cpl. Jeff Oldham and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday but dismissed it as a holiday prank. Authorities were called to the scene more than three hours later.
“They thought it was a Halloween decoration,” Fay Glanden, wife of Mayor William Glanden, told The (Wilmington) News Journal.
“It looked like something somebody would have rigged up,” she said.
Hanging one self appears to be as traditional as shooting someone on Halloween. Many deaths by misadventure occur when people try to act out a hanging as some kind of Halloween entertainment. Several people find out the hard way why hanging is an effective and popular method of suicide and execution.
YORK, S.C. — 15-year-old staging a gallows scene at a Halloween party accidentally hanged himself when the noose somehow tightened, authorities said today.
William Anthony Odom of Charlotte, N.C., was pronounced dead Friday night amid fake spider webs and plastic bats decorating an aunt’s home. Odom and several of his friends had staged a haunted house in the basement.
A week ago, a 17-year-old died while staging a similar Halloween hangman gag along the route of a hayride in Lakewood, N.J.
As it is Halloween it only seems reasonable to leave the scariest story and the biggest monster till last. The previous 4 stories have a humourous edge when compared to the Halloween classic.
5.
East Coast Rapist pleads guilty to Halloween attacks in Prince William
Law enforcement show they have a sense of humour by dressing the ‘Halloween rapist’ up as a pumpkin.
In the series of attacks attributed to the East Coast Rapist , the Halloween 2009 assault in Prince William County was perhaps the most brazen. He stepped out of a borrowed gold Chrysler into the cold night rain, gripped a fake 9mm handgun, pulled his jacket’s hood tight over his face and forced three teenage trick-or-treaters down a steep ravine.The attack — the last in a string of 13 since 1997 that are linked by DNA evidence — also was the closest police had come to the serial rapist. Their sirens and footsteps interrupted his rapes after one victim summoned help via hidden texts and phone calls. He disappeared into the darkness, leaving the weapon, his DNA and the victims behind.On Friday, more than three years after the attack, that man — Aaron Thomas — appeared in Prince William County Circuit Court to take responsibility for the crimes. He entered guilty pleas to two counts of rape and three counts of abduction. Unlike his previous appearances in court, including a failed plea hearing two weeks ago, Thomas was alert, responding quickly and forcefully to Judge Mary Grace O’Brien’s questions.
“I would like to take responsibility for my problem and the pain I’ve caused,” Thomas said. “I am guilty.”
O’Brien accepted Thomas’s pleas, meaning Thomas, 41, has been convicted of three rapes, including the guilty plea he entered Thursday in Loudoun County for a 2001 attack in Leesburg. The rapes are fewer than a quarter of those both Thomas and police say he committed, but they are enough, potentially, to land him behind bars for a maximum of seven life terms.
Five true, disturbing stories from recent Halloweens past. Remain vigilant, don’t try and hang yourself and if you feel uneasy at any stage start firing your gun. Please sleep easily, don’t have nightmares.
Neo-Feminism: A Movement without Gender Boundaries
All round the world women have been getting their ‘knickers in a twist’. It seems impossible to turn on a television or surf the internet these days, without seeing a woman receiving a Nobel prize, or speaking out at the U.N about the difficulties still being faced by the fairer sex just because they have a vagina. It would appear that allowing them to vote and drive cars was not enough to placate their lofty ambition, they’re more motivated than we first thought, they’re after more and they’re not beyond using dirty tricks to get what they want. The neo-feminist is the most highly functioning female we have seen to date, capable of holding rational arguments, sustaining common sense and reason for extended periods of time. Whereas a generation ago they were appeased when we let them vent, burn their bras and then told them to calm down by making a cup of tea, today the neo-feminists are digging their heels in, high heels and for the long haul.
If we men are to retain our already fragile status as top dog we must evaluate this threat and deal with it seriously, impromptu foot massages, compliments regarding their choice of clothing, even suggesting it would be nice to watch Downton Abbey may be necessary if we’re to withstand this latest onslaught. We will have to dig deep into the bag of tricks that has been passed on from father to son, go through the full repertoire, if social order is to be maintained.
I remember feminism from one or two prickly encounters at university during the 90’s. For the most part feminists were just aggressive lesbians, with short cropped hair, wearing Doc Marten boots and had a chin like Desperate Dan. Opening a door for a woman at university was a hazardous act of chivalry for which the knight may have often been better off throwing himself on his sword instead. The feminists of the 90’’s did for feminism much the same as what the Taliban did for Islam. The 90’s feminist ultimately sought to promote her cause by acting more like a man, than a man. 90’s feminism led to the phenomena we commonly referred to as “chicks with dicks”. Chicks with dicks were women who had shrugged off the shackles of femininity, women with better careers than men, drank more beer than men, swore more than men, could belch more verses of the national anthem than men and who understood the offside rule in football. Sometimes, at a first glance, they could appear quite attractive, but fifteen minutes and 3 pints later they would have the charisma, charm and feminism of Margaret Thatcher. It was for such circumstances I moved to South East Asia.
Like the most untrustworthy shape shifter, feminism today has morphed and re-branded itself, in the shape of Hermione Granger, Malala Yousufzai, and Jean Luc Picard. Feminists today include men, this disturbing image was taken outside a supermarket and clearly shows a disoriented and confused old man, his mind addled, under the influence of some heinous psychotropic drug, holding a placard he probably can’t even read.
Whilst picking up supplies for the Enterprise, Captain Picard finds the time to fight for women’s rights.The Ministry of Magic send Hermione Granger to the U.N.
These feminists pose an entirely new challenge, not only have the brainwashed vulnerable old men but they are educated, lucid, and armed with questions forged out of common sense and tempered by logic, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to do the wash the dishes without putting up a fight.
Fighting the Misogyny Within
It’s so predictable to blame sexism and misogyny on men, based on the simplistic reasoning that they are not women. Such reasoning follows that if a group is being oppressed then it must be a group different to the oppressed that are the oppressors, this line of inquiry quickly concludes that men are the oppressors. But, in my experience most of the men I know like women, in fact they like women more than women usually do. If you really want to hear a group of people tearing a woman’s soul to shreds then you only have to go into a female dominated work place, for there is nowhere more visceral nor savage. A florid pit of estrogen in which a dominant queen dictates the menstrual cycles of all others and passes judgements on subjects ranging from outfits to hairstyles, with one savage lash of the tongue. Nature requires men to like women, after all it is upon such a truism that our species keeps populating itself. You might say that men often only like women in order to get into their pants, and this would be a reasonable assertion, but I would reply that this is still a more positive feeling than most women show towards each other. And when is there ever absolute gender equality, in lesbian relationships is it not normal for one woman to adopt the more male dominant role? Women are often just as bigger discriminators against women as men. Look at women that have run countries, how many women did they promote to be their advisers? Look at female CEO’s what percentage of their board members are female? There are numerous examples of females discriminating against females, stop laying the blame all at the feet of men just because you don’t have a penis. If we were to live in a Utopian society where women were accepted as equals by men (a world I aspire to), the question remains, would they also be accepted as equals by other women?
We are but Apes, What do you Expect?
The Men for Women campaign reminds me of a clinic on the edge of Bangkok specializing in gender realignment surgery, which is ironic, as are we looking at gender equality, or a metaphorical realignment of the genders? The notion of gender equality in itself appears to me as being discriminatory, as it suggests it is the only cause deserving equality. We should just be striving for equality for everyone, irrespective of race, gender, creed, colour, sexual orientation,age, physical or mental disability. A just and decent society will provide the same rights for an octogenarian, Asian, lesbian, bipolar, Roman Catholic midget, as it does for the most immoral, whoring, Republican, NRA supporting bum. Ms. Watson talks of political and economic equality, but this is to ignore the blue print upon which men and women are built, that biologically we are different, and to some extent throughout the evolution of our species we have been designed for different tasks. To disregard this biological framework, and believe that we have always lived in a world with iPhones, air conditioning, microwave meals and WiFi is folly. We must accept some basic truths if we are to make any progress in this forum:
1) Men have a penis, and women have, what medical experts call, a ‘vagina’;
2) For nine months after a man has put his penis into a woman’s ‘vagina’ it could result in that woman gestating. To date there has only been one notable exception to this rule, when a woman began gestating sans penis, for further details please refer to a bible;
3) There will never be biological equality, men will always have a penis, and women a vagina. Women will always be expected to shoulder the burden of gestation. But whilst there is this fundamental biological difference, should this translate into an economic or political one?
4) Women will generally always be better st some tasks than men, skills that have been passed down over hundreds of thousand of years, mothering, making a comfortable living space, and conducting 5 conversation simultaneously whilst reading a book.
5) Men will always me better at laying around, drinking beer, farting and hitting things.
To deny these truths is to not accept one another for who we are. Biologically we are not equal, for procreation’s sake that is a good thing, every plug must have its socket, but we must respect our differences not exploit them as being weaknesses.
A society that penalizes women economically on the premise that they may go onto have a child is insane, it goes against the laws of nature. What if women were to all sterilize themselves in, an all be it cutting their nose off to spite their face kind of way, order to demand equal pay? No longer burdened with the indignity of being able to bare children, should they now be paid the same as men? Penalizing women for having children is the brainchild of a society that puts profit before values. Society should be providing stability and encouragement for women to have children, an environment that supports children and families financially, socially and culturally. Unless of course society is targeting those women who are educated, strong minded and go to work, if society can restrict these women from breeding that will polarize the population into hordes of poorly educated families and the rich who they could mindlessly serve. The middle class would soon die out or at the very least reduce itself to such low numbers that they would no longer threaten to expose and fuel the fire of the class divide. Meanwhile the poorly educated peel grapes for the rich and content themselves with daytime television. But, as we all know this scenario could never happen, for it would necessitate a power crazed, and paranoid rich elite obsessed with maintaining the status quo.
Equality at What Price?
I’m all for equality but does equality mean that women can behave like men? A society stripped bare of feminism, a society of women behaving like men is surely nobody’s utopia. Following Ms. Watson’s natter with the UN and the launch of the ”He for She” campaign, nearly every other news item on the internet has concerned itself with gender equality. I was in disbelief when I saw the following news article:
Real equality is when women have the right to be as drunk and stupid as men
The freedom to have fun, make mistakes and participate in some youthful irresponsibility shouldn’t be limited to boys
Gender equality realized
This article by the Guardian’s Jessica Valenti proposes the whole equality debate hinges on women being granted the same rights to get as drunk and behave as stupid as men. Only once this has been realized will our species truly have progressed beyond gender stereotypes. If there is one thing the world is crying out for right now it’s more drunk, stupid people. Can’t women appreciate that stupidity is the last bastion of the male, it’s a place where men can retreat to for peace and quiet. A world of drunk, stupid people would result in nothing more than a perpetual Friday night.
Women, if you ever get the gender equality that you do deserve, then I plead with you to use it for something a little more noble than to behave like men. Half the population already behave like men, they’re called men. Tonight I am left in fear that if Ms. Watson and Valenti have thier way, they will create a society with an androgynous population of stupid alcoholics.
Gay marriage, recreational drug use and euthanasia are just three sensitive topics where the perceived liberty of an individual often conflicts with the morality of a society. But when all parties involved in a way of life are adults and consenting, does society have a right to intervene? And if so who are the people that determine what is right or wrong in society? These are questions I have been wrestling with after reading the following news headline:
Dwarf stripper gets bride pregnant on her hen night
Spanish woman admits she slept with a dwarf stripper on her hen night after giving birth to a baby with dwarfism.
Initially my thoughts were with the unfortunate groom. Imagine his excitement over the previous nine months, getting married and then becoming a father, halcyon days en route to complete social conformity, I should imagine a 40 year mortgage was also included.
Then when the proud moment arrived and his eyes fell upon his son for the first time, there appeared to be something, a little different, somehow he expected him to look, bigger, with bigger features, in fact nearly everything should have been a little larger. With confusion marauding through his brain, like a Frenchman making his way down the wine aisle of a supermarket, his tearful wife tells him the truth of how she slept with the dwarf stripper at her hen party. From there, in which direction does a marriage go? Anger, loathing, resentment, separation, bitterness and divorce, or maybe if the husband is so inclined exotic dwarf love on a regular basis. One thing is for sure social conformity, even acceptance now looks to be a distant prospect.
Slowly the true depth of the perversity of this story broke over me like a wave of sewage. I realized the only reason for this story being reported was that it involved a dwarf. If in the headline, you were to replace the word dwarf with black man, Mexican, Asian, all hell would have broken loose and rightly so because that would be unacceptably racist. But dwarfs are not a race, a fact that can easily be forgotten following the Lord of the Rings movies. Many dwarfs do not even consider themselves disabled and choose to live their own lives and make their own decisions. After all isn’t it the duty of liberty to protect the rights of minorities? If a dwarf wants tossing and someones willing to pay to do it, what sort of sick society would stand in the way of this fun?
Western society promotes itself as having values of equality and respect, but dwarfs have nimbly side stepped this and have made themselves fair game for the entertainment of the public. Skillfully they have maneuvered their way under the radar of political correctness and because of this dwarfs always have a profession they can fall back on (not very far back).
The life of a dwarf entertainer, sounds like it requires talent and it does, but to a dwarf that that talent comes naturally, by virtue of their diminutive stature. People like to laugh at and abuse dwarfs, and they can. Dwarfs do not ask for people’s pity, and just like anyone else dwarfs are free to seek out methods of abuse and public humiliation, but how humiliating is it when your getting $400 an hour for being thrown across a room?
In short (as it so often is with dwarfs) they are provocative, a thorn in the side of the moralistic, conservative do-gooders, that believe themselves to be endowed with the power to tell everyone else what is right or wrong. Dwarfs stand at the front line in the battle of free speech against these oppressive forces of political correctness.
In the United States dwarfs enjoy the same liberties afforded to anybody else, and therefore Americans are free to enjoy dwarf tossing, dwarf bowling, dwarf wrestling, racing them against exotic animals, dwarf stripping, you can even have one impregnate your future wife. Nothing protects the dwarf from public indignity, because nothing needs to, a dwarf can embrace it, face up to it with his head held high (metaphorically speaking). For millenniums dwarfs have entranced and captivated the simple minded, with an air of mysticism, and while society’s curiosity in the bearded lady or Lobster Boy has long faded, a healthy interest in the dwarf endures.
Can I Toss a Dwarf?
Of course, dwarf tossing is a well established pastime that requires a tosser and a dwarf consenting to being tossed. Dwarf tossing actually dates back to the times of ancient Babylonia and is even made reference to in the Dead Sea Scrolls. In 1026 BC, King Nabu-shum-libur, whilst facing attack and ultimate destruction from the marauding nomadic tribesman of north west Babylonia sought solace and relaxation. With his city lying in ruins around him,and with nothing else at hand but his loyal troupe of dwarf entertainers, the King started to throw them around his burned out throne room to alleviate the stress of his impending doom.
The more conservative members of society might be questioning the morality and legality of such practices. In Florida during the 1980’s dwarf tossing became very popular in bars. Until Jeb Bush had a law passed enabling the revoking of liquor licenses of bars that continued to allow dwarfs to be tossed on their premises. Thankfully in October 2011, common sense prevailed when Ritch Workman introduced legislation that would overturn the ban on dwarf-tossing, claiming such a ban to be an “unnecessary burden on the freedom and liberties of people” and “an example of Big Brother government”. Although not a personal advocate of the activity, Workman stated “if a little person wants to make a fool out of themselves for money, they should have the same right to do so as any average sized person”.
While the United States are progressive in their approach to dwarf tossing, the EU is more draconian. In 2002 a French dwarf appealed to the UN against a ban on dwarf tossing, his appeal was thrown out as the UN said it was satisfied that the ban on dwarf-tossing should be upheld “in order to protect public order and considerations of human dignity”. Therefore this proves there is greater human dignity in France than Florida, and that if you’re French you will have to go to Miami to toss a dwarf. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/2285348.stm
In The kingdom of the Little People
In China they embrace the fact that dwarfs are entertaining.
Kunming, China – A successful entrepreneur with a social conscience decided he wanted to give something back to society, and what better thing could he give back than a dwarf themed park? Costing $115 million dollars and situated in 13,000 acres of rural countryside, this is no small attraction. Amongst the props is a black BMW modified to resemble a UFO out of which dwarfs pour to commence their shows. Mr. Chen the entrepreneur with the vision for this spectacle proudly boasts that it was all his idea including the Dr. Seuss style homes with crooked chimneys.
But this LSD fueled, Roald Dahl nightmare is not without its detractors who claim it is little more than a freak show pandering to people’s morbid curiosity. Gary Arnold who is the spokesperson for Little People of America Inc, a dwarfism group based in California, said ” I think it’s horrible, how low can a society get? People always look down on us and this does nothing to raise our status.” Mr. Chen is quick to argue that the dwarfs are paid well and he always has a surplus of applicants. “My theme park is a step up for them, they are well looked after end their environment is built for their needs. The public might be motivated out of a morbid sense of curiosity, but why can’t the dwarfs make money from it? At the end of the day both parties go home happy.”
Dwarfs Taking Sport Seriously
Don’t let this tomfoolery deceive you, not all dwarf activities are organised for public amusement. This video shows a very proficient football team from Brazil.
Unique Dwarf Sporting Challenges
And who has the right to stop four dwarfs racing a camel?
Dwarfs push the boundaries, boundaries often placed there by others, by non-dwarfs. They challenge conservative values established by a society obsessed with political correctness. Dwarfs teach us determination, give us hope and inspire, because whilst being small has it’s difficulties, they’re not going to let it get them down further than it already has.
Dwarfs wherever you are, whether your racing camels, getting tossed or shagging a bride at her hen night, I salute you.
Out of a perverse sense of curiosity, out of loyalty to the absurd, in reverence of bad taste, but mostly just as a result of old fashioned boredom, I have spent much of my weekend trying to apply for membership to Islamic State. I felt a need to put the endless news reports to the test, the media has repeatedly informed us that joining these maniacs should be a relatively straight forward task, and that it could be done online. It was Friday night, I had the time and a sick enough sense of humor to give this thing a shot, so I did.
Less than 5 minutes into my search for employment, I learned that Islamic State had recently produced an expensive and slick English language video designed at recruiting young British Muslims. The video entitled ‘Let’s go Jihad’, which at face value appears a somewhat whimsical title for what should ultimately represent quite a serious life decision. Although disappointed by the name of the video I decided that it would be only reasonable to watch it, after all I had come this far, and damn it I needed to learn more about my potential employer. How else could I be expected to feel comfortable making any long term commitments, because I had questions by jingo. Was there dental cover included in the health plan? What were the hours? Holidays? Pensions? Were they prepared to help with my relocation expenses? The practicalities of Jihad seemed endless, so putting my logistical concerns to one side I settled down and watched watched the following video:
The video opens with what sounds like a deaf man blowing on a piece of tissue paper over a comb. Although these guys clearly demonstrated no appreciation for music, I decided that this was a luxury I could live without, afterall I gave up listening to music sometime back in the 1990’s, (a traumatic incident involving a dwarf, a rabbit and a head full of acid.) Not the most catchy of openings but I was willing to go further. Next I was requested to supplicate myself, while I admit that I haven’t been doing a lot of supplicating recently I didn’t consider it beyond my range. I felt that I was still in with a shot.
The third line, of what could never be described as a catchy tune, aroused my suspicions when it called for the ‘Nasheed to bomb the Kuffar for real’. Some rapid googling and I realized this wasn’t good. They appeared to be calling for any and every non-muslim to be bombed. While my knowledge of the Quran is limited, I find it hard to believe these could have been the words of Muhammad. For one I’m not sure bombing had been adopted as a military tactic back then. It was starting to look like ISIS were not an equal opportunity employer after all, and that this whole muslim, non-muslim thing might cause a problem. If this was the case I had no intention on letting these bastards off the hook that easily, I was still going to apply and then they could turn me down to my face. Anyway I still had to see if it was as easy as the media had said it was.
Now in my life I’ve been both lucky and unlucky enough to have been able to meet some of societies most psychologically unique people, but it was only now that I started to appreciate that ISIS recruits a rare breed of maniac. People responding positively to ‘Let’s go Jihad’ are beyond my comprehension, most videos that promote things use enticement. I expected beaches, a bevy of beauties in burqas, minarets and mosques. Instead the video uses sheer, raw violence to make its appeal. Machine gunning men bound in ditches would appear to even the least sane person to be profoundly inappropriate. With that said is it any more immoral than dropping a laser guided bomb on a family who’ve just sat down for dinner? It’s hard to find any morality or sense in the senselessness of war.The content of the video surpasses disturbing and it’s hard to imagine the mind that such a video could appeal to, but what is just as disturbing is the level of professionalism in its production, and the destructive power they appear to have at their disposal.
ISIS happily using the U.S made Humvee.ISIS are believed to have 52 American made M198 Howitzers capable of firing a shell 20 miles.ISIS have upto 30 Soviet built T55 tanks, although old they are still active in 50 armies around the world. They also have a smaller number of the newer T72.
I had initially understood ISIS to be a crackpot bunch of terrorist lunatics, with extremist religious views. A group that would die out once their own people had realised that they do not want to live under such a harsh regime. The truth is that ISIS have existed since 2000, they are well supported, well funded and well trained for such an outfit. They are extremely well armed having routed large sections of the Iraqi Army, they have seized great quantities of U.S made weaponry including heavy artillery, as well as Russian made tanks. They far exceed my understanding of a terrorist group. But perhaps their greatest weapon and threat is their appeal to young Muslims around the world. Muslims that have grown up watching western coalitions invade muslim countries, who have watched Israel use excessive force against the Palestinians. Children who have grown up with this as the status quo are perhaps easier to convince that somewhere there is a Jihad out there for them to fight.
Still I needed to put the media’s claims to the test and make contact with someone in charge of recruitment at ISIS, therefore I googled “ISIS Recruitment Form”, and surprisingly I was successful.
Rather cleverly their website poses as being for educational purposes and even supported by the British Council. As a further smoke screen to foil intelligence services you will notice a woman not wearing a burqa. I appreciated their savvy. Regretfully the link to their application form was broken, but they were forward thinking enough to provide the following contact details.
We are always happy to discuss things with potential or returning employees. If you have any questions, please feel free to email our Recruitment team or give us a call.
Recruitment
ISIS Education and Travel
259 Greenwich High Road
London SE10 8NB
So the media were right after all, contacting the recruitment wing of ISIS was a doddle.
As I get older it appears to me that civilization (if that is even the right word to describe it any more) is caught up in a perpetual cycle of violence. Groups of people are forever provoking and responding to provocation, and unless a group of fanatics who uphold the values of common sense take the radical action of not reacting, then I’m afraid this suffering and senseless destruction will be the demise of us all.
Continuing to do what we have been doing will have inevitable negative consequences. A new plan featuring common sense is called for.
Barry Trotter slowly extricated himself from out of the deep shag rug in front of the fire. He adjusted his glasses and wiped them clean. A couple of metres away, by the light of the fire, Barry could make out the form of Professor Bumsosore, it was made more difficult as the professor’s robes were pulled up over his head, but Barry could identify him easily enough by his fully exposed wand.
Ever since Barry’s scar had started to itch, Professor Bumsosore had insisted that Barry attend private, late night tuition in the professor’s own chambers. Barry’s scar was not ordinary, for that matter Barry was not an ordinary boy.
When Barry was a baby an evil wizard by the name of BaronVon Nastybastard hunted down Barry’s parents and killed them. When Baron Von Nastybastard tried to kill Barry his curse bounced off him and hit Von Nastybastard flush in the crotch, leaving Barry with a distinctive scar on his forehead, and Baron Von Nastybastard with an ineffective set of testicles. Most people ignored Barry’s scar out of courtesy, but it was plain for all to see, the rendering of a child’s simple stylized drawing of a cock, and a pair of balls.
‘Oh dear me! Is that the time? That took longer than I expected. Run along now Barry, back to the tower.’ Said the Professor straightening himself out. Barry always found himself to be rather poorly coordinated after these sessions, with his arms and legs feeling heavy. His head felt cloudy, the last thing he could remember was the professor holding the hem of his wizard’s robes up to Barry’s mouth and telling him to breathe deeply, and secure his mind against Von Nastybastards evil penetrations.
With his arms and legs feeling leaden, Barry found it an arduous to climb up the stairs to the Frygindor common room, but he was looking forward to seeing his two best friends Dom Beasley and Cordelia Puckle.
Harry and Dom had been friends from their very first day at school and Dom’s lack of self esteem helped to add to Barry’s already inflated opinion of himself. Dom had low self esteem for a reason, because he was a mindlessly uncoordinated dick, and there was nothing Barry liked doing more than to watch Dom balls up performing mundane, everyday chores.
‘Hello Barry! How was the professor this evening?’ Asked Cordelia as she looked over the top of the book she was reading. Whenever Cordelia spoke to Barry he would start to feel a little funny, and the other night he had dreamed of her sat astride his Nimbus 2000, riding it recklessly around the Quidditch pitch.
‘Hi Cordelia, you haven’t seen Dom anywhere have you?’ Asked Barry.
‘He’s up in your room, studying, or so he says. He does seem to be studying so much recently, but his grades never get any better. Strange.’
‘Well you know what they say, you can’t polish a turd. I better go up and see him. Goodnight Cordelia.’
Cordelia did not respond, her attention being engrossed in the book she was reading for potions homework. Barry climbed the stairs up to the room he shared with Dom and two other Frygindor boys, an Irish boy Paddy O’Furniture and Nevile Stretchedanus. As Barry approached the door to their room, he was surprised by how quiet it was. He opened the door and Dom quickly pulled up the bed sheets sending the latest issue of ‘Witches, Bitches and Wizard’s Wives’ catapulting across the room. Spread across the front cover, Barry recognized the provocatively posed figure of Fanny Fellatio, a witch that had been involved in a scandal at Pigshingles just last. Papers reported that Fanny had performed lewd acts with a slaughter of leprechauns. It had brought a great deal of shame to the school, fortunately Professor Bumsosore had arrived at the scene first, and prevented the leprechauns from initiating some tag team action. Fanny and the Leprechauns (which coincidentally went on to become a hit porn movie) were immediately expelled.
‘Working hard again Dom?’ Asked Barry sarcastically.
‘What do you think it is she sees in leprechauns?’ Wondered Dom. Barry looked at the hapless Dom. ‘Just get over her will you! You’ve missed your chance, I mean she was hardly being subtle when she when she asked you if she could polish your wand. And to think you actually passed her your wand and a duster.’
Dom jumped out of from beneath the sheets still displaying evidence of being partly aroused. He walked round the bed and picked up ‘Witches and Bitches’, and showed Barry a tasteful picture, in which Miss Fellatio was trying her hardest to make a vegetable disappear without the use of magic.
‘I don’t know what you still see in her Dom. You have nothing in common, and what would your mum say?’
‘But I know where to hide the cucumber now, it would be different, I could be the wizard she wants me to be.’
It was painful to see such a dullard hurting himself owing to his inability to grasp reality. Barry was about to say something when the picture of Fanny Fellatio caught his eye and his scar started to throb. Barry winced, but not through pain.
‘Barry what’s happening?’
‘I don’t know Dom, it’s my scar it feels funny.’
Dom looked at Barry with his permanent vapid expression, meanwhile the scar continued to throb and throb,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The Examined Life 